To Single or to Mingle, That is the Question.

Which is better – singleness or marriage? Like the conversation about makeup versus no makeup, it seems to me that the conversation about marriage versus singleness has been suffused with self-focus and suspicion between believers. We as human beings tend to assume that we are doing the right thing for the right reason, while others must be doing the wrong thing, or at least the inferior thing, from misguided or even bad motives. As a young woman, I have probably spent more time thinking about how this topic has impacted women, but I am also convinced that it is vital for every believer to have a biblical, Christ-centered view of singleness and marriage. Sadly though, self tends to usurp the place of Christ in our approach to relationships. Throughout church history and through the present day, the debate continues: which is the “righteous” option – is it staying single or getting married? 

Consensus and Controversy

Thankfully, orthodox Christians throughout time have agreed on two things: First, sexual intimacy was created to be enjoyed inside the covenant of marriage, and in no other context. Second, both marriage and celibate singleness are morally acceptable options. Thus, from a Christian perspective, celibacy is virtually synonymous with singleness. But beyond this, opinions have been more divided. On one extreme is the belief that people who are truly serious about purity should stay single: marriage is not sinful, but it’s a concession to the less holy Christians who need to get married. On the other extreme is the belief that an individual Christian cannot completely fulfill God’s purposes for his or her life without getting married. According to this view, you can still serve God if you are single, but in some sense you will inevitably be less than God intended you to be. 

Finding the Facts

To get to the truth, we need to look at what God says about marriage and singleness – he is the one who created people in his image and instituted marriage in the first place! We don’t have to look very far in God’s Word before marriage comes up. At the very beginning of the first book of the Bible, he tells us that he created people as male and female and he demonstrates the unique complementarity of the genders through the historical account of Adam’s need for Eve. Adam surveyed the animal kingdom and realized that the other creatures had been designed in complementary pairs – but as for Adam, no suitable helper could be found for him. That is, until God created Eve from a rib from Adam’s side. The first man excitedly welcomed the first woman as “bone of [his] bones and flesh of [his] flesh.”¹  The next verse explains, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” ² 

Still True in the New

Again, in the New Testament, Jesus restates and reaffirms the Genesis 2 definition of marriage during his public ministry.³ In fact, the New Testament leads us even deeper into treasuring and honoring the institution of marriage because it unveils the unique significance of marriage as a picture of Christ’s love for his church.⁴ Further, the New Testament calls believers who have been transformed by the Holy Spirit to bear spiritual fruit such as love, joy, peace, patience, and kindness.⁵ This new way of living impacts all of our interactions and relationships with others, including the relationship of marriage. The whole of Scripture testifies that marriage is much more than a concession to physical urges. It is good, beautiful, and holy.

States of Grace

In addition to affirming the value of marriage, the Bible also suggests that not every individual believer is called to get married. Although God’s plan for the human race requires two complementary genders, his intention for some individual Christians is to serve him through celibate singleness. The Apostle Paul (among other biblical figures) is an example of this. He is also an example of joy and contentment in his thoughts toward God and fellow Christians. The idea of either marriage or singleness as grounds for arrogance or self-pity is utterly foreign to Paul’s way of thinking. Rather, for believers, both of these states present unique challenges and opportunities through which we can grow more like Christ and show his grace toward others.

Through union with Christ, we can experience true peace and fulfill all of God’s purposes for us, whether we are embracing celibacy as singles or participating in the covenant of marriage. God calls some of us to marriage and some to singleness, but he calls all of us to confess with the Apostle Paul, “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”⁶

~ Emily Winslow Cox

Citations.

1, 2.

Genesis 2:23-24

3. Matthew 19:3-6 and Mark 10:1-12

4. Ephesians 5:32

5. Galatians 5:22-23

6. Galatians 2:20

English Standard Version, Crossway Bibles, 2001.